May 2011 was an emotional journey of sorts for me. I have never felt so alone and unfamiliar with myself. I don't think I was prepared for the intensity of the emotions I would feel about my miscarriage, even after the miscarriage was done. I tried to rationalize what was happening and then was surprised and taken aback by the weight of it all. I grieved. I am still grieving. But why? There was not a life lost... Others I care so deeply about have lost REAL loved ones. What right do I have to grieve for my non-baby-producing pregnancy?!?
I have always been a highly-emotional person. I have encountered many people who do not understand and therefore can not deal with my emotional-ness. Normally, I let my emotions flow forth with no remorse, despite the opinions of others that I am OVERLY-emotional.
Lately I have started to think maybe they were right and there is something wrong with me. Maybe I feel too much and make a big deal about too many things. Maybe all this emotional shit is because I overanalyze everything. Maybe I am crazy.
Joey's death was another moment when the intensity of my emotions and grief shocked me. I still haven't really dealt with it, mostly because I do not feel like I have any right to grieve in comparison to the level of loss felt by Shawn and his family. Yes, Joey was my family, too, but I only saw four years of his life, and only snippets at a time, during family functions. The rest of the family lost someone they had spent a lifetime with, a part of them.
So I have been stuck in this odd, gray and foggy place- grieving for the loss of his life, missed opportunities and a lost future. Grieving for the people I love (more than I thought I ever could) as they face this new life without one of their own. Yet at the same time, not allowing myself to grieve at all. Holding back because of a self-imposed limit of grief.
Add to the nine-month-old restricted grief a new, more inner-personal (is that even a term?) grief because of my blighted ovum/miscarriage and my emotional state has become a separate entity. I feel like I am experiencing life in the third-person. This is not happening, it's not real... I have started referring to my two-week ordeal as "when I was sick" because I don't know how else to compartmentalize it. I have stopped talking to my husband about it because I feel like I should already be moving on. I WANT to move on, but I feel so stuck. Unable to process so much more than just this. Luckily, I have a few great friends that have allowed me to talk about it without judgement and with complete sincerity... To them, I am eternal grateful. There are others that I expected to be there for me, like I have been for them, that are, surprisingly, no where to be found. This compounds the emotions because I really needed/need them and find myself frustrated with the one-way relationship.
During all this, I am watching the lives of others I care about with more clarity, but with a sense of detachment. I congratulate with the uttermost sincerity when something good happens for a friend or loved one. I truly feel my heart break when those same people lose someone else, unexpectedly and tragically, or when someone I love is very ill. Unable to do anything but watch from afar, scared to offend someone with my emotions. Afraid to feel "more than I should".
Where is the happy medium between bottling your emotions and letting them fly? Should there be a limit on emotions? Who gets to limit those emotions? Someone else than the person feeling them? I am 28 years old and feel like I am no further developed, emotionally, than I was at 18. I feel lost and overwhelmed, unhealthy, tired and scared, empty...
I miss feeling hope...
-Nic
1 comment:
Oh sweetie you're allowed to be sad. Everyone grieves their own way and for their own amount of time. Non-baby producing pregnancy or baby producing... it is all the same. You lost something you thought you were going to have. It is hard and people may not understand what you are going through but that doesn't mean that you have to hold your emotions in. Things will start looking up for you. There is hope in all things you just have to search for it sometimes. You are an amazing person and a strong one too. You will find the hope and start to move forward and look to the future!! You deserve the best, always remember that!! It's the trials that we go through that make life that much more special and wonderful. They are placed before us to teach us, humble us and open our eyes to all that we DO have and makes us more grateful for the blessing we will receive. This isn't the end for you. You will be blessed with your sweet little angel and when that time comes you will have the up most appreciation. One you never knew you could have!! I'm sure you are that much more grateful for the blessing that Ellie is to your life as well!! Keep your head up!! Love ya!
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